Testimony Meeting Hard Sell

It's so crazy, it just might work.

Telecamp

It's coming. I'm sure of it.

APB Missing Investigator

There were a couple of investigators on my mission on whom we would have liked to placed an all-points bulletin. In fact, it seemed like a sick running joke with my investigators that if they should any sign of progress, they would disappear into the ether. 

One investigator was hit by a car and spent a month in the hospital with no way to contact us. Another just vanished (we never met him at his home). And a third got summoned to the Vatican to meet with some Catholic bigwigs and was so spooked by the call that he never had anything to do with us again.

The Gong Show

This could come in handy sometimes.

Podium Spotlight

Here's another great idea from the Ward Cartoonist! You're welcome.

Pumpkin Plan of Salvation

Since I don't have much to say regarding today's gag,* I thought I'd share the story of when the missionaries with me in Maribor threw our branch a Halloween party. We carved pumpkins, gave candy to the primary children, and bobbed for apples. Afterwards, I took a couple of the pumpkins back to my apartment and made pumpkin pie from scratch.

The only problem was that the pumpkin used in pumpkin pie is different than the pumpkin used to carve jack o-lanterns. When I cut into the pie with an entire district of very hungry and excited missionaries watching, we got something that tasted like pumpkin pie but had the texture of spaghetti noodles. It was not one of my prouder cooking moments as a missionary.

*Other than it's a great idea and I'm surprised there haven't been any industrious missionaries who have already done this.

You Are Here

Here's another brilliant idea from the Ward Cartoonist.

More Antiquated Practices of 20th Century Missionary

Yep, I'm so old that we used to pull this trick when I was a missionary.

I justify putting strips like this in my missionary strip compilation Mission Daze by imagining that the made up country of Laputania--despite every appearance of a successfully westernized Eastern European nation--has very spotty internet necessitating written letters to home from time to time.

The Wheel of Talk Openers

I actually love this idea and might just have to use it the next time I'm giving a talk in sacrament meeting.* The one choice I won't include in my wheel is the "for those of you who don't know me, my name is..." line. That's a personal pet peeve. You don't need to start your talk this way--after all, your name is in the program and the member of the bishopric conducting the service did just announce you.

Still, I appreciate anyone who'll stand before a congregation and give a sacrament meeting talk, regardless of any beginning of the talk crutch he or she might use. It's about the only way a church with a local lay ministry could function.

Interestingly, these crutches used at the beginning of talks aren't limited to sacrament meetings. I subscribe to the BYU Speeches podcast and you wouldn't believe the number of BYU devotionals which begin with some kind of variation of "When I was a student attending these devotionals there is no way I ever would have guessed that I would be on this side of the podium." Just once I'd like a BYU devotional speaker to start her address with "Yeah, I totally knew from my first devotional on BYU campus that I'd be asked to address you. I'm just surprised it's taken this long for the administration to ask me to speak."

*Although, I might spin my wheel at home (the church handbook discourages props during sacrament meeting).

Nursery Innovation

Here's another brilliant idea that would certainly mix things up during the third-hour of the block.

Sunday School Answers

Having taught Sunday School from time to time, I'll admit to considering this option.

One Last March Madness Gag (Although Probably Not)

Two years ago I announced I was retiring the March Madness series of gags I published here every year in conjunction with the NCAA basketball tournament. And then last year, I ran two such jokes. Now, here we are again. One of these days I'll really follow through on that threat. Just not this year.

Personally, I'd love to see bishops participate on the priest quorum basketball teams. That would be the kind of comedy you could never get on a so-called humor site like this one.

Two Months of Home Teaching

The only downside to this brilliant idea is that it only works on one home teaching family a month (er, two months).

Perpetual Entertainment Fund

Today's gag shows why a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. These parents are going to want to have a talk with whichever seminary teacher taught their teenagers about these Church programs.

The Ultimate Door Approach

Earlier this week, I posted a less effective door approach. Today, I'm posting the ultimate door approach. It's just a shame that I didn't think of this 18 years ago--my mission could have gone a lot different.
If you haven't yet, check out the hour-long interview I participated in on the Mormon Channel.

Late-Night Seminary

If the Church was really interested in boosting seminary attendance, it might want to consider this idea:

The Solution to All Your Ward Choir Problems

Here's another brilliant idea for making church better.

(I really should be getting paid for this.)

The Singles Ward

Now it's been a while since I was in a singles ward (thank goodness), but I assume the bishopric in singles wards today want their congregation married off as badly as the bishoprics in my wards did. So, here's a suggestion to expedite the process.
You're welcome, and, yes, I do expect an invitation to all the weddings my change in policy will produce.