Moby Dick at the Pulpit

I am so impressed with the responses to last week's caption contest. Clearly my readers are more culturally literate than me (all I know about Moby Dick I learned from watching Star Trek: First Contact). You are also so funny! As I commented to Kevin, my buddy cartoonist, after he ran a similar caption contest, "Isn't it a little discouraging that our readers are better at writing captions than us?" Kevin (being the mensch he is) wasn't at all discouraged but excited to have heard from so many capable gag writers.

Here, then, is the list of the gag writers that contributed to today's comic:

FTOYWDKM I’m not… (The Jack of all Carrs)
Do you know… (Klinton)
Knock, knock… (Eric V)
I'll close with… (Adam)
I'm a little jealous… (Klinton)
I had planned… (Adam)
“Call me Ishmael”… (The Jack of all Carrs)
I stand before you… (Eric V)
“A Big Fish” they say… (The Jack of all Carrs)
Whale, whale, whale… (Klinton)
Those opposed… (Adam)
For my 2 ½ minute talk… (Eric V.)
FTOYWDKM, and especially… (Klinton)
Love your enemies… (Adam)
“Fishers of Men”… (The Jack of all Carrs)
FTOYWDKM, call me Ishmael… (Eric V)
I better wrap up quick… (Sonny)
When the bishop asked… (jena_vdg)
I know I've been telling… (Brett Bates)
When your gospel hobby… (Craig N Kathie Haroldsen)
The Savior said… (Larry Hanson)

Caption Contest: Moby Dick at the Pulpit

Think back to your high school English days and come up with a caption to today's gag. The contest closes the morning of Friday, July 31.

Crying Repentance

Today's gag is featured in the June 2026 issue of the For the Strength of Youth magazine.

Pi Day Sacrament Meeting

Saturday is Pi Day for those who celebrate.

This joke only works up to the first nine digits of pi. Digits 10 through 12 are 3-5-9 which don't quite make it into the current Hymnbook (we stop at 341). Hence the lack of a rest hymn.

It was also critical that I posted this book before the Church replaces the old Hymnbook with a new one since who knows what the numbering is going to look like with that. 

Frankenstein's Intro

The fact that the Monster in Mary Shelley's novel has become known as Frankenstein must drive him crazy. The Monster despised Victor Frankenstein with a murderous passion. Today, I offer three better names to choose from.

Boris Karloff (1887-1969) famously played Frankenstein in numerous movies (as well as the Grinch in the original How the Grinch Stole Christmas holiday special).

Charles Addams (1912-1988) first created the recurring characters that became known as the Addam's Family for the New Yorker in 1938. 

Mary Shelley (1797-1851) wrote Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus in 1818.

Seek First to Obtain My Word

Today's gag is about 6 months late. I could have held onto it for another 3 and a half years and published it when we started our study of the Doctrine and Covenants again, but I elected to publish it now (who knows if this site will even be around by then).

Testimony Meeting Hard Sell

It's so crazy, it just might work.

The Cryer

Every ward has one.

Compelled to Testify

Is today's gag the weirdest I've ever posted on this website? I don't know, but after 16 years of coming up with jokes centered around a small niche, I'll be excused for inching into Far Side territory.*

*It's far better than another Family Circus-like gag.

I'd Like to Bury My Testimony

When I was in primary, this particular phrase seemed a lot more common. All us generation-Xers could never seem to wrap our minds around the idea of "bearing" a testimony. Wouldn't it make more sense to bury it since, after all, that's what Moroni did.

Maybe kids are still doing this, it doesn't seem like it to me. But what do I know, I don't exactly spend much time in primary these days.

Your April 2025 General Conference Activity Packet

I've had talk opening jokes bomb. I've felt the same way as this poor guy does.

General Conference is nearly upon us. Which means it is time to print off your General Conference Activity Packet! I realize there are dozens of packets available for you to choose from, but there is only one packet that is endorsed by the Ward Cartoonist! (That should count for something, right?)

Download your copy in either English, Spanish (thanks to Gaby Herrera for the translation), or Portuguese (thanks to Dani Queiroz de Souza for the translation).

If the conference packet isn't enough to sate your appetite for Church-themed activities to entertain your young (or young at heart), Let me direct you to an assortment of my books:

• Doctrine and Covenants Come, Follow Me Activity Book
• The Book of Mormon Come, Follow Me Activity Book
• The New Testament Come, Follow Me Activity Book
• The Old Testament Come, Follow Me Activity Book
• Super Sunday Activity Book
• Scripture Power Activity Book
• Now That I Am Baptized: A Puzzle Book for LDS Kids

For those of you uninterested in print, check out my apps (iOS only, sorry!). Your kids will love LDS Scripture Heroes or Book of Mormon Adventure available at the Apple App Store.

Finally, I should mention Mission Daze, my collection of nearly 500 comic strips tracking a missionary from mission call to homecoming. It's a great gift for any missionary.

Back Bencher

According to some TV show I saw once (so it must be true), during every State of the Union address some cabinet member or other is secured in some underground bunker in the event of a catastrophic event that wipes out the rest of the political leadership in the federal government. (At our next State of the Union, I suspect it will be this guy.)

Not that we should do the same during ward conferences, but the bishopric should at least coordinate their vacation time so that the poor assistant nursery leader isn't left conducting sacrament meeting.

Speaking Coping Mechanism

This particular public speaking coping strategy has never seemed very helpful to me. I mean, what kind of weirdo is less anxious speaking to a roomful of people in their underwear?

Nervous Speaker

It is pretty fantastic that a typical Latter-day Saint congregation can count on dozens (if not hundreds) of worshipers to stand before a large group and publicly speak for 10 plus meetings when asked.

YSA Introduction

I have no idea the probability of a young single adult in the Church using Tinder, eHarmony, and Mutual. I'm not even sure if all those dating apps are still in business. But I guess if you were desperate enough...

Santa's Talk Opening

If Santa had to open a sacrament meeting talk with a cliche, I would hope it would be this one.

Sock Puppet Testimony

For most of us, this sadly wouldn't constitute the weirdest testimony we've heard on a Fast Sunday.

From the General Handbook of the Church: "Young children are welcome to bear testimony in fast and testimony meeting. It may be best for them to learn to do so at home until they can bear testimony without help from others." (I imagine this applies to sock puppets as well.)

Not the Spirit

I'm surprised I've never heard anyone verbalize this out loud behind the pulpit.

Gratuitous Content

Views are a little down on this website, let's see if today's gag doesn't fix that.

I'm pretty sure I've never had the dream where I've shown up wearing nothing but underwear, but I have repeatedly had the dream where I'm taking a final to a class I never attended. It's horrifying every single time.

Father's Day Musical Number

This tracks. The bishop's family is put through every bit as much of the ringer as the bishop himself.